We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
