I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
