I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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