Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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