so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
