I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can't turn off my feet"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
