dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
