You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
