He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
