Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
