i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
