The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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