dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
