In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
