The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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