My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
