dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize