Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
