you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
