How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
