my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
