i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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