We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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