i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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