I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
