from now on my penis is your penis
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sext me about skeletons
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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