If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
