She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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