i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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