Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
