i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
