Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
