Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
