last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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