five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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