haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am naked and annoyed.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
