I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
