oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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