Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
