I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
