If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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