Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
