i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
