Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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