I could have mohawked her pubes.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
