she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
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You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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