I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
