I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
