Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
