He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
