The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
