I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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