I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
