My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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