oh god the rape fog is back!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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