Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
