The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
